Between his Alice and my David Copperfield

"... istikharah tu kita mintak kat Allah for anything that we can't make our decisions on so that we may find peace within...iA..."

"... istisyarah plak is we ask people around us..people yang bole dipercayai dari segi agamanya and takde niat2 yang tersembunyi or kepentingan peribadi bila nak bagi pendapat. Tak bole nak istikharah alone je ..."

And then there's wisdom...

Therefore remind (men) in case the reminder profits (them).

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

Yes, sopan kan di bulan Ramadhan yang penuh keberkatan ni? Ahaha...

So many things I've learned yet so little time I have to share them here... Research and things at home are currently preoccupying most of my time.

But today, nak mencuri a bit of my time (sebab baru lepas jumpa supervisor and ilham untuk buat the newly assigned task belum datang lagi) and share something that I learned from yesterday's tazkirah given by this one lecturer-cum-Ustaz from UKM.

Kadang-kadang rasa macam nak bawak camcorder je time dengar all those tazkirah given at the surau in my neighbourhood. Saya tau saya semangat...biasala, orang baru nak belajar kan... lepas tu bila dapat tau rasa teruja pulak nak share...

Sabl bin Mu’ddh bin Anas narrated from his father that the Prophet S.A.W said: “Whoever teaches some knowledge will have the reward of the one who acts upon it, without that detracting from his reward in the slightest.”

( Sunan Ibn e Majah, Book of Sunnah, Hadith no 240, Classified as Hasan By Allama Albani)

(Kalau ada salah silap in my attempt untuk berkongsi apa yang dipelajari, apologies in advance.)

The topic was about how during this holy fasting month, dengan Syaitan dirantai di neraka dan pintu neraka ditutup serapat-rapatnya, masih ada berlakunya kejahatan dan jenayah-jenayah tak berperikemanusia such as an Ustaz caught sexually abusing a 13 year old student (that was the example given).

So the Ustaz, (the speaker) explained that yes, setiap satu Syaitan memang dirantai dan diikat sepanjang bulan Ramadhan yang mulia ni. Nafsu yang tak diikat.

Nafsu itself is a makhluk. When we say makhluk (Allah's creation), automatically dalam kepala akan bayangkan something physical, yang boleh nampak depan mata. But he goes on and say that within us resides 2 other makhluk.

Akal and Nafsu.

Once there was this dialogue between Allah, Akal and Nafsu after Dia menciptakan both of them:

“Siapa kau dan siapa Aku?”. Lalu dijawab oleh akal tadi, “Kau ialah Tuhan Yang Maha Mulia dan aku ialah hamba-Mu yang maha hina”. Kemudian, Allah memanggil pula Nafsu. Ditanyakan kepada nafsu soalan yang sama yang ditanyakan kepada akal sebentar tadi. “Siapa kau dan siapa Aku?”. Dengan sombongnya nafsu menjawab, “Kau ialah kau dan aku ialah aku”. Allah pun menjadi murka and He sent Nafsu untuk diseksa di dalam neraka for 1000 tahun. After 1000 tahun, He called upon Nafsu again and asked the same question. Still Nafsu gave the same haughty answer and again it was sent to neraka for another 1000 years. Selepas tu for the third time Allah asked Nafsu again and finally Nafsu answered "Kau ialah Tuhan Yang Maha Mulia dan aku ialah hamba-Mu yang maha hina”.

(Nak tau lebih lanjut, boleh la google kitab karangan Ustman bin Hasan bin Ahmad Asy-Syaakir Alkhaubawiyi.)

So, the ustaz emphasized betapa degilnya Nafsu ni in comparison to akal yang by default memang akan taat pada arahanNya.

Puasa bukan sekadar menahan diri dari lapar and dahaga. It is a constant battle with our own nafsu/lust/worldly wants. Backbiting is a Nafsu. Liat nak tinggalkan comforter yang oh-so-comfy di waktu tengah malam to perform solat Tahajjud is a Nafsu. Melambat-lambatkan waktu solat sebab tengah nak komen status kawan kat facebook is also a Nafsu.

Sekadar memberi contoh that I myself can personally relate to. Guilty as charged! Hence, this also serves as a reminder to my own self la jugak...

Okay, dipendekkan cerita, and to agree with what Farihna wrote on her blog, fasting should not be a reason for one not to perform or carry on with the daily routines or activities se-optimum mungkin. In fact, bulan puasa ni, kalau kita buat suatu kerja tu niat sebab Dia akan jadi ibadat and pahala memang... goodness gracious besar. Semua ibadat, even tidur (kalau tidur ikut sunah Rasul) akan dapat pahala. 70 kali ganda okay...

Masa mula-mula dapat tahu, rasa macam rugi je tahun-tahun sebelum ni tak menghayati betul-betul maksud beribadah di bulan Ramadhan.

Tu belum masuk lagi tang pintu syurga and langit dibuka seluas-luasnya untuk Dia terima semua doa-doa kita. Direct contact. Ask for anything yang baik-baik from Him, mengadu la pada Dia, rintih la pada Dia to ask for forgiveness...belum tentu we'll live long enough to see the next Ramadhan.

Okay, I could go on and on...but I think I should go and hadap my research task now.

The first phase of Ramadhan is over. We're now in the second phase, Pengampunan.

Jom dating tengah malam nanti dengan Dia okay?

Jangan lupa mengaji jugak. Quoting Hlovate, verses of Quran are like Allah's personal love letters from us.

Let's make the best out of our lives

Okay. This will be a short and quick one.

There are currently 2 new additional things yang "menyerikan" (for lack of a better word) my life right now.

One is I've just joined an Usrah group. Berguru dengan Dr Harlina Siraj. She is amazing. The first time I went to her majlis ilmu, I was hooked on to her every word. 2 jam punya talk yang my mind literally tak menerawang ke territory yang tak patut diterokai.

The best part it, free ilmu. Rasa macam di-blessed sangat-sangat sebab diberi peluang to gain more knowledge from such a prominent figure in Malaysia. Boleh google nama dia ok? She has won numerous awards.

I'd write more about my first Usrah experience but time does not permit me to do so.
So I'll quickly move on to the second thing that is currently my sole reason of living and breathing. Bila bangun teringat kat dia. Sebelum tidur pun teringat kat dia.

Dia is my research project. Yes, I've started on my research. Kalau nak bercerita pasal si cinta hati saya ni, I've no idea where to even begin.

With the help of my kind supervisor,Dr Nazean Jomhari, insyaAllah I'll be developing a courseware that teaches deaf kids in Malaysia to recite the Quran. It'll be a pioneer project as no such system has ever been created in Malaysia or in any parts of the world. Credit due to Ustazah Nor Aziah for creating the technique that allows the disabled children to learn from the quran just like normal kids do. Bila dapat tau I'll be attached to her, and the opportunities I get to explore with 2 such great academicians, rasa takut ada, nervous ada, teruja dan blessed pun ada. This will definitely be an enriching but also challenging journey for me. I can only pray I'll be able to shoulder the responsibility that is being given to me.

Again, I could go on and on "bercerita" about my research. There's more that I want to tell about my supervisor and my client, Ustazah Nor Aziah, but masa memang dengki habis dengan saya. One of the research tasks is sitting right in front of me menunggu untuk disudahkan.

Saya cuma nak cakap saya teruja dan rasa seperti energetic untuk buat research (See, the one thing that you will never be able to run away from being a research student is kadang2 rasa macam bersemangat pasal research, other days rasa macam bakar je journals tu and pi berjimba sampai tak ingat dunia) sebab I now have my enthusiastic mojo back. Many thanks to this one blog I found. A friend told me about it. May God bless this girl for sharing her knowledge about the to-do's in a research.

So sekarang saya dah tau pasal Dropbox, LR matrix dan Mendeley.

There's one thing these two things have in common. Kedua-duanya somehow "memaksa" saya untuk menjadi lebih sociable. Yelah, bila pergi Usrah, nak kena beramah-mesra dengan the other sisters, kongsi knowledge. Bila buat research, tak boleh la jugak bertapa dalam bilik yang sekarang dah macam gua, tak keluar langsung sampai tak notice kat rumah sendiri dah upgrade ke Astro beyond kan?? Kena bersosial dengan the other researchers jugak.

Why am I highlighting about the social theme here?

because if you know me, you'd know my social skills is bad. I'm the introvert. Kalau ada satu perjumpaan atau gathering and I'll be the only one there yang tak kenal orang-orang yang lain, instead of approaching that big group of girl yang sedang berborak dengan gembiranya, I'd sit in one corner pretending I'm extremely interested in studying the karipap I'm holding in my hand.

Eh, apekah??

Okay, kata nak buat short post. Ni dah panjang dah.

Kerja tepi saya dah memanggil dah.

My research project is my amanah. I pray to Him to give me the strength to laksanakan ia sebaik mungkin.

She whom I look up to.

In dealing with a difficult situation, "Listen. Then respond with compassion" is what I hold on to.

Nak meluahkan ketidak-puasan hati atau teguran, there are appropriate ways to do so. Kalau marah-marah, membebel, throw tantrums, buat tunjuk perasaan, hantar long, nasty e-mails with harsh bolded words in it, walaupun akan rasa lega sebab dah diluahkan apa yang terbuku di hati tapi there are chances mesej yang diketengahkan tak sampai kepada si pendengar. Because all he or she is hearing is the noise, not the content of your message.

I usually avoid confrontations. I walk away. I am always open to a rational discussion atau teguran berhemah between 2 people. For that, I usually will stay.

I believe in being beradab in everything you do. Adab melambangkan keperibadian seseorang. Adab shows how civilized you are as a human being.

Surah an-Nisa. The Women. A surah that He has specially given to us. Even dalam tu ada diterangkan pasal pentingnya beradab.

" When a (courteous) greeting is offered to you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or (at least) of equal courtesy. Allah takes careful account of all things. "—Qur'an 4:86.

I'm glad she feels the same way too.

" Dan hakikatnya kita semua manusia biasa. I love them all and will continue to do so. Ini asyik nak gaduh je kalau berlainan ideologi. Saya akan buktikan kita masih mampu berkongsi pandangan dan BERKAWAN walaupun hakikatnya kita tidak bersetuju dengan pihak yang lain. We can agree to disagree. Dengan hikmah dan penuh adab. Dengan akal dan santun. Dengan sifat budi bahasa dan menghormati perbezaan pandangan. "

Wardina Safiyyah (2011)

** Would like to emphasize that this has nothing to do with any political matters or the recent BERSIH issue. Sekadar pendapat ikhlas saya tentang dealing with sticky and messy situations in normal, everyday life. **

My favourite love letter from Him is No.94

I think life isn't all that bad if you take everything that happened in your life as a lesson, as something that you need to learn from. Of course, I'm also still learning as I go here...

Sungguh saya cakap, banyak yang telah saya pelajari through everything that has been going on for the past 6, 7 months... Perspectives have also changed. That much I know.

The biggest lesson that I've learned up till now is when faced with tests or trials by Allah, one should see it as a hidden blessing. That through the difficulty of the trial, He is actually giving you an opportunity to get closer to Him.

Another friend of mine also said, "Sebab Dia sayang kita la Dia uji kita..."

People say it's easier said than done. "Senang la cakap banyakkan bersabar, tak jadi kat awak..."

Betul. Memang betul.

Which then comes to second thing I've learned : tests from Him come in many different shapes and sizes. Tiada yang lebih tahu mengenai kemampuan seseorang untuk menghadapi ujian atau dugaan melainkan Dia. Because He created us. Only He knows the appropriate type of ujian untuk diberi and mengikut kemampuan hamba-hamba Dia.

So just because A's current trial isn't as big as the difficulty B is facing now, does not mean it's less hard for A to get through it than it is for B.

Back when I was a realist, when life threw me a setback, a challenge, I'd go and think, "Somewhere out there, someone is fighting a bigger battle than I am. Suck it up je la..."

(Of course, you could always find me bawling my eyes out in the nearest washroom/bathroom available. I'm a girl... And old habits die hard...*shrugs*)

It has never been my intention to preach in this post. Sekadar nak berkongsi pengalaman. Islamic Thinking @ Twitter.com said, "Sometimes in order to wait for the sun to shine, you have to stand under the rain just a little longer."

True. But I think it'd be awesome if whilst standing in the rain, you have an umbrella with you. Takde payung nanti sakit la kan, tunggu lelama bawah hujan???

Surah al-Inshirah is the best "umbrella" there is. It makes the waiting bearable...

I could be biased since it is my favourite surah. :)

Terpulang pada setiap individu, what is you're preference of the Quranic verse.

Waiting is hard, but He will make the journey worthwhile for you.

Kena have faith...

Of course, this also serves as a reminder for myself too. Saya tak sempurna, and wanting to improve towards the better is never easy.

********************************************************************

On a completely different but somewhat related matter, one of my close friends-cum-saya-sendiri-appoint-dia-jadi-therapist-saya once told me the concept of Catharsis. Ni yang susah bila you have a friend who's darn good in reading your internal turmoils... LOL!

More about Catharsis can be read here.

And while I was doing random web-surfing, I stumbled upon something that I could relate close to heart. The Story of The Sad Sadness

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold”

I've not written for a while.

Some days,I feel so happy and blessed that all I want to do is spread the happiness to everyone else. If I were still working, that meant I'll be serving a customer extra chirpy. And that I wish God would bless them with the same happy feeling that He has given me.

Other days, I feel so sad it almost breaks my heart and all I want to do is crawl under the covers of my bed and weep. And that I wish Allah would take the pain away.

.

.

.

.

.

Someone told me that nobody can give me the best respite except for Him.

94:5-6 is the current solace. Balm for the sore, yes?

I've a long way to go. That much I know.

"When Allah created his creatures He wrote above His throne: Verily, my Compassion overcomes my wrath." (Bukhari & Muslim)

Of 2:216. And her.

"I see there are so many people. So much drama and energy to find someone who's almost never the right person anyway. It just shoudn't be so hard... bila percaya manusia lebih daripada Tuhan, jadi bodoh. So, ask to God not to His slave." (Nurliyana, 2011)

And if Allah touches you with affliction, none can remove it but He...

(cont) ...But if He bestows upon you a favor, remember that He is the Possessor of every power to do all that He wills. (6:17)

Everyone has problems / deepest darkest secrets / burdens. And some people, they're so good at hiding these things that they seem almost somewhat normal to you. They'd joke around with you, make the most random conversations with you, and even smile at you as you pass their way. You can never tell they're just one nerve away from breaking down, losing it for real.

Kadang-kadang, kita memilih untuk keep the problems or secrets to ourselves sebab it's not easy letting others know about them. Be it your family, your best-est of friends or your loved ones. You rasa macam takut nak deal with how they would react towards you.

Kadang-kadang we keep it to ourselves because we are so used to "keeping it to ourselves", it becomes a part of us. It is not some martyr act to prove that we're strong enough to carry these burdens on our own. No. Sometimes, the simplest of explanation is because we were brought up that way. Maka "old habits die hard".

Kadang-kadang we just don't feel like telling anybody about our problems or secrets bacause we would think, "Everyone has problems. Terima je la. It's not as if the world is making a special exception for me pun."

Kadang-kadang, it's because we know people might not understand the real situation, as much as they try to convince us that they do. Sebab sebenarnya, semua orang bila berdepan dengan masalah, the emotional reactions are never the same. I can't explain why and how are they different, I just know it for a fact.

And there are probably a hundred other reasons why we choose to do what we do. And how we choose to face the problems or deal with the burdening secret is a whole different story pulak..

For me, I just want the person to tell me, "You're going to be okay." It does not matter if that person can't understand my situation. I just need that person to convince me that things will be okay.

Kena have faith that things will be okay. Allah has said it in both 8:46 and 94:5-6.

"You're going to be okay" is always more comforting to me than "I understand".

But like I said, lain orang, lain la the preference..

Sometimes, it amazes me to see such a strength inside of a person, nak pulak if it is coming from a woman. She could've told her friends or family to help her get through it, but instead she "went in" alone, for reasons one might not comprehend but should respect. I can tell it broke her heart. Mine nearly did just by listening to her.

Being a girl at this age, I belum pernah ada such a friend yang kena melalui benda-benda sebegitu. So I can't even begin to imagine how terribly difficult it must've been for her. But the feeling of pain, one should never wish it to another person.

It is during times like these one would think, "Just when I think I'm having it bad, someone else is having it worse".

And it is during this time one finally realizes she should be thankful with this current life Allah has so generously blessed her with. She could have had worse. And she'll pray so hard that if He decides to test her with such a "dugaan", she'll be as strong as the woman who "went in" alone.

Have to be constantly reminded that with each test, Allah has given one an opportunity to get closer to Him through the trials.

I’m trying hard not to resist the joy...

When I first heard this song, I knew lagu ni described dia.

Just like how Trouble Is A Friend used to describe Voldemort.

I did say lyrics of songs usually best express how I really feel kan? Only because I'm not the most articulate person in the entire world.

Double LOL.

Lenka sure does understand a girl's heart.

I asked my friend to check out the song. And then....

"Babe.. i just saw the mv for lenka's my heart skips a beat... how appropriate was the video with all the medical props and dancing stethoscope? hahahaha"

Farihna, I copy paste. Am making full use of modern technology. Haha. Okay, tak related.

Point is, I haven't watch the video prior to her saying that. And when I did...

Nak tergelak.
.
.
.
.
.

Because he's a medical student.

Thanks Lenka.

The more you thank Me, the more I give you. (14:7)

Tweet from LOVE_THETRUTH :

"Dreams start with love, grow with pain and ambition and come true with courage."

I really really want this year to be a good one. Last year was awesome, but I'm praying that 24 will be better. That this will be the year I get to do good things. For myself. And for others as well. And I have all the plans mapped out. I'm just praying for the strength from Him to execute them.

Five years from now, I want to be able to look back and think, "Yeah, 24 was definitely a good year for me."

Last year was awesome because for once, I did something that made ME happy. For the first time in my life, I was doing something because I wanted to do it. Not because he or she or you told me to do it. Not because I'm obligated to do it. It was entirely my choice. Mine alone.

It felt liberating.

If I have to work hard to achieve something this year, I want it to be for something that I love.

Maybe I'm tired of being a realist. Where everybody keeps pointing out that the world is a tough place to live in and if you don't work your *bleep* out you'll be left behind. That if you don't conform to what people think you should be, then you are nobody significant. Maybe, for once, I just want to take a step back and be thankful for all these little things Allah has given me and all the big things He has generously blessed me with.

Food for the soul :