Monday, November 08, 2010

No one ever said it would be this hard...

October was not easy.

Two things that mattered to me I had to let go last month.

Turtles have their own shell that they can hide in. Me, I hide in my brain. My thoughts.
Going into hiding comes with a price. Spacing out.

I space out a lot these days. But tak la lama sangat kot sebab there's always someone to bring me down back to planet earth.

Sometimes I'd space out in class only to be brought back to earth by my professor who "conveniently" wants me to solve a question using Halstead's Method. Other times I would space out during work only to be jolted back to reality by a customer who wants to pay for her book but all I oculd do was stare at her credit card. And one time I spaced out while driving only to realize that the car in front of me has stopped. I almost crashed into the Kancil but hey, brain sempat function balik just in time to hit the brakes. So no harm there.

October in a nutshell (actually more than one nutshell but what the heck...)

1) I know it's not going to be easy. Then again I wasn't expecting it to be THAT hard either. Tapi I think the reverse psychology method is working.

2) They say change is good. I don't get it. What's so great about change? It only means you have to adapt to something different pulak.

3) I can't be angry. I just can't. But I'm human. All these frustrations, sampai bila nak kena keep inside? Then again, when all fails, there's always my passive-aggresive method.

4) Are you mad at me? Sampai macam tu sekali? Now I'm at loss as to what I'm supposed to do to make it right.

5) I like to think that I'm not a cynic kind of person. But the more I grow up, the more jaded my viewpoints on life become. And that scares me.

6) What if I'm scared to feel like that again? To go through it all over again, it's mentally challenging and emotionally draining. The whole "it's better to have felt losing than never feeling anything at all" is a concept I can never grasp.

7) "We all have people in our lives, some of them good, some of them bad but they shape us." ~Derek Morgan~

8) Difficult , heartbreak, pressure, confuse, denial, breakdown, tiring, losing, friend, sadness, passive-aggresive, Coldplay.

Okay, so the last part is a bit out of place. But nobody does slow and *coughs* depressed *coughs* better than Coldplay.

I've always think I relate easier to songs than anything else. And when words get in the way, all I can offer you is a song. Understand it, and you'll probably get a clear picture of what I had to go through, what I still am going through.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

The Scientist --> Fix You --> In My Place. All three in a loop that currently show no signs of stopping. Maybe later, when I'm done with my "melancholy" mood. (I'm borrowing your word eh friend...)

Memo :

1) The previous post, the one on "Terrified", it wasn't about a guy. It wasn't even about Voldemort. I Just thought it was a cool song sebab Zachary Levy sang in it. So we're clear eh Amal?

2) Anyone care to fix me?

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