Between his Alice and my David Copperfield

"... istikharah tu kita mintak kat Allah for anything that we can't make our decisions on so that we may find peace within...iA..."

"... istisyarah plak is we ask people around us..people yang bole dipercayai dari segi agamanya and takde niat2 yang tersembunyi or kepentingan peribadi bila nak bagi pendapat. Tak bole nak istikharah alone je ..."

And then there's wisdom...

Therefore remind (men) in case the reminder profits (them).

Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh

Yes, sopan kan di bulan Ramadhan yang penuh keberkatan ni? Ahaha...

So many things I've learned yet so little time I have to share them here... Research and things at home are currently preoccupying most of my time.

But today, nak mencuri a bit of my time (sebab baru lepas jumpa supervisor and ilham untuk buat the newly assigned task belum datang lagi) and share something that I learned from yesterday's tazkirah given by this one lecturer-cum-Ustaz from UKM.

Kadang-kadang rasa macam nak bawak camcorder je time dengar all those tazkirah given at the surau in my neighbourhood. Saya tau saya semangat...biasala, orang baru nak belajar kan... lepas tu bila dapat tau rasa teruja pulak nak share...

Sabl bin Mu’ddh bin Anas narrated from his father that the Prophet S.A.W said: “Whoever teaches some knowledge will have the reward of the one who acts upon it, without that detracting from his reward in the slightest.”

( Sunan Ibn e Majah, Book of Sunnah, Hadith no 240, Classified as Hasan By Allama Albani)

(Kalau ada salah silap in my attempt untuk berkongsi apa yang dipelajari, apologies in advance.)

The topic was about how during this holy fasting month, dengan Syaitan dirantai di neraka dan pintu neraka ditutup serapat-rapatnya, masih ada berlakunya kejahatan dan jenayah-jenayah tak berperikemanusia such as an Ustaz caught sexually abusing a 13 year old student (that was the example given).

So the Ustaz, (the speaker) explained that yes, setiap satu Syaitan memang dirantai dan diikat sepanjang bulan Ramadhan yang mulia ni. Nafsu yang tak diikat.

Nafsu itself is a makhluk. When we say makhluk (Allah's creation), automatically dalam kepala akan bayangkan something physical, yang boleh nampak depan mata. But he goes on and say that within us resides 2 other makhluk.

Akal and Nafsu.

Once there was this dialogue between Allah, Akal and Nafsu after Dia menciptakan both of them:

“Siapa kau dan siapa Aku?”. Lalu dijawab oleh akal tadi, “Kau ialah Tuhan Yang Maha Mulia dan aku ialah hamba-Mu yang maha hina”. Kemudian, Allah memanggil pula Nafsu. Ditanyakan kepada nafsu soalan yang sama yang ditanyakan kepada akal sebentar tadi. “Siapa kau dan siapa Aku?”. Dengan sombongnya nafsu menjawab, “Kau ialah kau dan aku ialah aku”. Allah pun menjadi murka and He sent Nafsu untuk diseksa di dalam neraka for 1000 tahun. After 1000 tahun, He called upon Nafsu again and asked the same question. Still Nafsu gave the same haughty answer and again it was sent to neraka for another 1000 years. Selepas tu for the third time Allah asked Nafsu again and finally Nafsu answered "Kau ialah Tuhan Yang Maha Mulia dan aku ialah hamba-Mu yang maha hina”.

(Nak tau lebih lanjut, boleh la google kitab karangan Ustman bin Hasan bin Ahmad Asy-Syaakir Alkhaubawiyi.)

So, the ustaz emphasized betapa degilnya Nafsu ni in comparison to akal yang by default memang akan taat pada arahanNya.

Puasa bukan sekadar menahan diri dari lapar and dahaga. It is a constant battle with our own nafsu/lust/worldly wants. Backbiting is a Nafsu. Liat nak tinggalkan comforter yang oh-so-comfy di waktu tengah malam to perform solat Tahajjud is a Nafsu. Melambat-lambatkan waktu solat sebab tengah nak komen status kawan kat facebook is also a Nafsu.

Sekadar memberi contoh that I myself can personally relate to. Guilty as charged! Hence, this also serves as a reminder to my own self la jugak...

Okay, dipendekkan cerita, and to agree with what Farihna wrote on her blog, fasting should not be a reason for one not to perform or carry on with the daily routines or activities se-optimum mungkin. In fact, bulan puasa ni, kalau kita buat suatu kerja tu niat sebab Dia akan jadi ibadat and pahala memang... goodness gracious besar. Semua ibadat, even tidur (kalau tidur ikut sunah Rasul) akan dapat pahala. 70 kali ganda okay...

Masa mula-mula dapat tahu, rasa macam rugi je tahun-tahun sebelum ni tak menghayati betul-betul maksud beribadah di bulan Ramadhan.

Tu belum masuk lagi tang pintu syurga and langit dibuka seluas-luasnya untuk Dia terima semua doa-doa kita. Direct contact. Ask for anything yang baik-baik from Him, mengadu la pada Dia, rintih la pada Dia to ask for forgiveness...belum tentu we'll live long enough to see the next Ramadhan.

Okay, I could go on and on...but I think I should go and hadap my research task now.

The first phase of Ramadhan is over. We're now in the second phase, Pengampunan.

Jom dating tengah malam nanti dengan Dia okay?

Jangan lupa mengaji jugak. Quoting Hlovate, verses of Quran are like Allah's personal love letters from us.

Let's make the best out of our lives

Okay. This will be a short and quick one.

There are currently 2 new additional things yang "menyerikan" (for lack of a better word) my life right now.

One is I've just joined an Usrah group. Berguru dengan Dr Harlina Siraj. She is amazing. The first time I went to her majlis ilmu, I was hooked on to her every word. 2 jam punya talk yang my mind literally tak menerawang ke territory yang tak patut diterokai.

The best part it, free ilmu. Rasa macam di-blessed sangat-sangat sebab diberi peluang to gain more knowledge from such a prominent figure in Malaysia. Boleh google nama dia ok? She has won numerous awards.

I'd write more about my first Usrah experience but time does not permit me to do so.
So I'll quickly move on to the second thing that is currently my sole reason of living and breathing. Bila bangun teringat kat dia. Sebelum tidur pun teringat kat dia.

Dia is my research project. Yes, I've started on my research. Kalau nak bercerita pasal si cinta hati saya ni, I've no idea where to even begin.

With the help of my kind supervisor,Dr Nazean Jomhari, insyaAllah I'll be developing a courseware that teaches deaf kids in Malaysia to recite the Quran. It'll be a pioneer project as no such system has ever been created in Malaysia or in any parts of the world. Credit due to Ustazah Nor Aziah for creating the technique that allows the disabled children to learn from the quran just like normal kids do. Bila dapat tau I'll be attached to her, and the opportunities I get to explore with 2 such great academicians, rasa takut ada, nervous ada, teruja dan blessed pun ada. This will definitely be an enriching but also challenging journey for me. I can only pray I'll be able to shoulder the responsibility that is being given to me.

Again, I could go on and on "bercerita" about my research. There's more that I want to tell about my supervisor and my client, Ustazah Nor Aziah, but masa memang dengki habis dengan saya. One of the research tasks is sitting right in front of me menunggu untuk disudahkan.

Saya cuma nak cakap saya teruja dan rasa seperti energetic untuk buat research (See, the one thing that you will never be able to run away from being a research student is kadang2 rasa macam bersemangat pasal research, other days rasa macam bakar je journals tu and pi berjimba sampai tak ingat dunia) sebab I now have my enthusiastic mojo back. Many thanks to this one blog I found. A friend told me about it. May God bless this girl for sharing her knowledge about the to-do's in a research.

So sekarang saya dah tau pasal Dropbox, LR matrix dan Mendeley.

There's one thing these two things have in common. Kedua-duanya somehow "memaksa" saya untuk menjadi lebih sociable. Yelah, bila pergi Usrah, nak kena beramah-mesra dengan the other sisters, kongsi knowledge. Bila buat research, tak boleh la jugak bertapa dalam bilik yang sekarang dah macam gua, tak keluar langsung sampai tak notice kat rumah sendiri dah upgrade ke Astro beyond kan?? Kena bersosial dengan the other researchers jugak.

Why am I highlighting about the social theme here?

because if you know me, you'd know my social skills is bad. I'm the introvert. Kalau ada satu perjumpaan atau gathering and I'll be the only one there yang tak kenal orang-orang yang lain, instead of approaching that big group of girl yang sedang berborak dengan gembiranya, I'd sit in one corner pretending I'm extremely interested in studying the karipap I'm holding in my hand.

Eh, apekah??

Okay, kata nak buat short post. Ni dah panjang dah.

Kerja tepi saya dah memanggil dah.

My research project is my amanah. I pray to Him to give me the strength to laksanakan ia sebaik mungkin.

She whom I look up to.

In dealing with a difficult situation, "Listen. Then respond with compassion" is what I hold on to.

Nak meluahkan ketidak-puasan hati atau teguran, there are appropriate ways to do so. Kalau marah-marah, membebel, throw tantrums, buat tunjuk perasaan, hantar long, nasty e-mails with harsh bolded words in it, walaupun akan rasa lega sebab dah diluahkan apa yang terbuku di hati tapi there are chances mesej yang diketengahkan tak sampai kepada si pendengar. Because all he or she is hearing is the noise, not the content of your message.

I usually avoid confrontations. I walk away. I am always open to a rational discussion atau teguran berhemah between 2 people. For that, I usually will stay.

I believe in being beradab in everything you do. Adab melambangkan keperibadian seseorang. Adab shows how civilized you are as a human being.

Surah an-Nisa. The Women. A surah that He has specially given to us. Even dalam tu ada diterangkan pasal pentingnya beradab.

" When a (courteous) greeting is offered to you, meet it with a greeting still more courteous, or (at least) of equal courtesy. Allah takes careful account of all things. "—Qur'an 4:86.

I'm glad she feels the same way too.

" Dan hakikatnya kita semua manusia biasa. I love them all and will continue to do so. Ini asyik nak gaduh je kalau berlainan ideologi. Saya akan buktikan kita masih mampu berkongsi pandangan dan BERKAWAN walaupun hakikatnya kita tidak bersetuju dengan pihak yang lain. We can agree to disagree. Dengan hikmah dan penuh adab. Dengan akal dan santun. Dengan sifat budi bahasa dan menghormati perbezaan pandangan. "

Wardina Safiyyah (2011)

** Would like to emphasize that this has nothing to do with any political matters or the recent BERSIH issue. Sekadar pendapat ikhlas saya tentang dealing with sticky and messy situations in normal, everyday life. **

My favourite love letter from Him is No.94

I think life isn't all that bad if you take everything that happened in your life as a lesson, as something that you need to learn from. Of course, I'm also still learning as I go here...

Sungguh saya cakap, banyak yang telah saya pelajari through everything that has been going on for the past 6, 7 months... Perspectives have also changed. That much I know.

The biggest lesson that I've learned up till now is when faced with tests or trials by Allah, one should see it as a hidden blessing. That through the difficulty of the trial, He is actually giving you an opportunity to get closer to Him.

Another friend of mine also said, "Sebab Dia sayang kita la Dia uji kita..."

People say it's easier said than done. "Senang la cakap banyakkan bersabar, tak jadi kat awak..."

Betul. Memang betul.

Which then comes to second thing I've learned : tests from Him come in many different shapes and sizes. Tiada yang lebih tahu mengenai kemampuan seseorang untuk menghadapi ujian atau dugaan melainkan Dia. Because He created us. Only He knows the appropriate type of ujian untuk diberi and mengikut kemampuan hamba-hamba Dia.

So just because A's current trial isn't as big as the difficulty B is facing now, does not mean it's less hard for A to get through it than it is for B.

Back when I was a realist, when life threw me a setback, a challenge, I'd go and think, "Somewhere out there, someone is fighting a bigger battle than I am. Suck it up je la..."

(Of course, you could always find me bawling my eyes out in the nearest washroom/bathroom available. I'm a girl... And old habits die hard...*shrugs*)

It has never been my intention to preach in this post. Sekadar nak berkongsi pengalaman. Islamic Thinking @ Twitter.com said, "Sometimes in order to wait for the sun to shine, you have to stand under the rain just a little longer."

True. But I think it'd be awesome if whilst standing in the rain, you have an umbrella with you. Takde payung nanti sakit la kan, tunggu lelama bawah hujan???

Surah al-Inshirah is the best "umbrella" there is. It makes the waiting bearable...

I could be biased since it is my favourite surah. :)

Terpulang pada setiap individu, what is you're preference of the Quranic verse.

Waiting is hard, but He will make the journey worthwhile for you.

Kena have faith...

Of course, this also serves as a reminder for myself too. Saya tak sempurna, and wanting to improve towards the better is never easy.

********************************************************************

On a completely different but somewhat related matter, one of my close friends-cum-saya-sendiri-appoint-dia-jadi-therapist-saya once told me the concept of Catharsis. Ni yang susah bila you have a friend who's darn good in reading your internal turmoils... LOL!

More about Catharsis can be read here.

And while I was doing random web-surfing, I stumbled upon something that I could relate close to heart. The Story of The Sad Sadness

“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold”

I've not written for a while.

Some days,I feel so happy and blessed that all I want to do is spread the happiness to everyone else. If I were still working, that meant I'll be serving a customer extra chirpy. And that I wish God would bless them with the same happy feeling that He has given me.

Other days, I feel so sad it almost breaks my heart and all I want to do is crawl under the covers of my bed and weep. And that I wish Allah would take the pain away.

.

.

.

.

.

Someone told me that nobody can give me the best respite except for Him.

94:5-6 is the current solace. Balm for the sore, yes?

I've a long way to go. That much I know.

"When Allah created his creatures He wrote above His throne: Verily, my Compassion overcomes my wrath." (Bukhari & Muslim)

Of 2:216. And her.

"I see there are so many people. So much drama and energy to find someone who's almost never the right person anyway. It just shoudn't be so hard... bila percaya manusia lebih daripada Tuhan, jadi bodoh. So, ask to God not to His slave." (Nurliyana, 2011)

And if Allah touches you with affliction, none can remove it but He...

(cont) ...But if He bestows upon you a favor, remember that He is the Possessor of every power to do all that He wills. (6:17)

Everyone has problems / deepest darkest secrets / burdens. And some people, they're so good at hiding these things that they seem almost somewhat normal to you. They'd joke around with you, make the most random conversations with you, and even smile at you as you pass their way. You can never tell they're just one nerve away from breaking down, losing it for real.

Kadang-kadang, kita memilih untuk keep the problems or secrets to ourselves sebab it's not easy letting others know about them. Be it your family, your best-est of friends or your loved ones. You rasa macam takut nak deal with how they would react towards you.

Kadang-kadang we keep it to ourselves because we are so used to "keeping it to ourselves", it becomes a part of us. It is not some martyr act to prove that we're strong enough to carry these burdens on our own. No. Sometimes, the simplest of explanation is because we were brought up that way. Maka "old habits die hard".

Kadang-kadang we just don't feel like telling anybody about our problems or secrets bacause we would think, "Everyone has problems. Terima je la. It's not as if the world is making a special exception for me pun."

Kadang-kadang, it's because we know people might not understand the real situation, as much as they try to convince us that they do. Sebab sebenarnya, semua orang bila berdepan dengan masalah, the emotional reactions are never the same. I can't explain why and how are they different, I just know it for a fact.

And there are probably a hundred other reasons why we choose to do what we do. And how we choose to face the problems or deal with the burdening secret is a whole different story pulak..

For me, I just want the person to tell me, "You're going to be okay." It does not matter if that person can't understand my situation. I just need that person to convince me that things will be okay.

Kena have faith that things will be okay. Allah has said it in both 8:46 and 94:5-6.

"You're going to be okay" is always more comforting to me than "I understand".

But like I said, lain orang, lain la the preference..

Sometimes, it amazes me to see such a strength inside of a person, nak pulak if it is coming from a woman. She could've told her friends or family to help her get through it, but instead she "went in" alone, for reasons one might not comprehend but should respect. I can tell it broke her heart. Mine nearly did just by listening to her.

Being a girl at this age, I belum pernah ada such a friend yang kena melalui benda-benda sebegitu. So I can't even begin to imagine how terribly difficult it must've been for her. But the feeling of pain, one should never wish it to another person.

It is during times like these one would think, "Just when I think I'm having it bad, someone else is having it worse".

And it is during this time one finally realizes she should be thankful with this current life Allah has so generously blessed her with. She could have had worse. And she'll pray so hard that if He decides to test her with such a "dugaan", she'll be as strong as the woman who "went in" alone.

Have to be constantly reminded that with each test, Allah has given one an opportunity to get closer to Him through the trials.

I’m trying hard not to resist the joy...

When I first heard this song, I knew lagu ni described dia.

Just like how Trouble Is A Friend used to describe Voldemort.

I did say lyrics of songs usually best express how I really feel kan? Only because I'm not the most articulate person in the entire world.

Double LOL.

Lenka sure does understand a girl's heart.

I asked my friend to check out the song. And then....

"Babe.. i just saw the mv for lenka's my heart skips a beat... how appropriate was the video with all the medical props and dancing stethoscope? hahahaha"

Farihna, I copy paste. Am making full use of modern technology. Haha. Okay, tak related.

Point is, I haven't watch the video prior to her saying that. And when I did...

Nak tergelak.
.
.
.
.
.

Because he's a medical student.

Thanks Lenka.

The more you thank Me, the more I give you. (14:7)

Tweet from LOVE_THETRUTH :

"Dreams start with love, grow with pain and ambition and come true with courage."

I really really want this year to be a good one. Last year was awesome, but I'm praying that 24 will be better. That this will be the year I get to do good things. For myself. And for others as well. And I have all the plans mapped out. I'm just praying for the strength from Him to execute them.

Five years from now, I want to be able to look back and think, "Yeah, 24 was definitely a good year for me."

Last year was awesome because for once, I did something that made ME happy. For the first time in my life, I was doing something because I wanted to do it. Not because he or she or you told me to do it. Not because I'm obligated to do it. It was entirely my choice. Mine alone.

It felt liberating.

If I have to work hard to achieve something this year, I want it to be for something that I love.

Maybe I'm tired of being a realist. Where everybody keeps pointing out that the world is a tough place to live in and if you don't work your *bleep* out you'll be left behind. That if you don't conform to what people think you should be, then you are nobody significant. Maybe, for once, I just want to take a step back and be thankful for all these little things Allah has given me and all the big things He has generously blessed me with.

Food for the soul :

"Patience is not about how long one can wait, but how well one behaves while waiting."

As of 2011 semester break for both IPTA and IPTS will start from May to September. As much as I love the holidays, the fact that my brain and body will be put under "hibernation" for more than a month worries me actually.

Thankfully the faculty has organized a 12-weeks workshop for the postgraduate students. At least that will force my brain not to go into sluggish mode.

And working back in Borders will most probably tire me out physically so I don't actually have to worry much about being a total sloth at home during the holidays.

Short term goals for the next 5 months :

1) Get through my final examination week. Alive, that is. (25th April 2011 - 5th May 2011)
2) Work part time in Borders. (May - September)
3) Participate in my faculty's "Postgraduate Research Excellence" workshop (May - August).
4) Ada rezeki lebih, I'd like to enroll in Al-Maghrib's double-weekend-Degree-seminar in June. $$-$$ kenala kumpul dulu...

I'd love to elaborate more about this one organization that I recently got to know of but was afraid I might not do them justice. This organization is big in the US and UK but only recently did it arrive in Malaysia. So here's a link. Could check it out, if you want. http://almaghrib.org/

The first Degree seminar they held was in UM but I missed out on it since classes were in the way of things and all.. But the second seminar will be held this June.

That aside, I'm glad I have all these plans to keep myself busy for this coming semester break. Then it's, "Hello Final Year and Research Project and no social life till God knows when".

And tiba-tiba rasa takut and macam tak boleh nak bernafas....

*I came across this picture, and I've decided it will be one of the places I'd like to visit someday. The Qolshariff mosque in Kazan, Russia. The inside is just breathtaking...*

Hebah Ahmed is awesome. Period.

"Basically, I want people to know that when I choose to cover this way it’s because I am fighting against a systematic oppression against women in which women’s bodies are being sexualized and objectified. This is a different perspective and a different form of empowerment in which I think when I’m in public, my sexuality is in my control and people have to deal with my brain and who I really am and not judge me by my body. And if we want to really talk about the oppressive situation of women, let’s talk about all the eating disorders, all of the plastic surgery, all of the unhealthy diets that are being done, all in the name of having the perfect body. To me, this is liberating and this is empowering."

Full transcript : http://muslimmatters.org/2011/04/12/cnn-hebah-ahmed-muslimmatters-blogger-debates-mona-eltahawy-over-french-niqab-burka-ban/

Niqab is banned in France. Appear in public with one and you will get arrested.

I'm not wearing a Niqab but I am wearing a hijab. And I absolutely adore how Hebah Ahmed articulated her points.

Food for the soul

Nobody Can Remove Hurt Except Allah. Even if someone tries to cause you any hurt, stay firm in your belief and remember that no one can cause you any pain if Allah does not desire it for you. And if Allah touches you with hurt, there is none who can remove it but He; and if He intends any good for you, there is none who can keep back His Favour; He brings it to whom He pleases of His servants; And He is the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

~Surah Yunus 10:107~

There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them and let them hurt me.

~Jonathan Safran Foer (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)~

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

Senang kan nak relapse to your old ways?

Lagi senang once you remembered how good it felt.

But I'm human. Bound to make mistakes.

I just wish people would understand me. That I don't have to tell them. That all the times we've spent together, growing up and all are enough to make them understand me. My discomfort. My silence.

But we're all human beings. Bound to make mistakes.

I would really like to meet Jonathan Safran Foer. I'd like to know what goes through his mind every time he pens down all these beautifully crafted words that struck my chord.

And jumping to a completely random topic....

Suka jugak baca these two particular blogs : Alkisah and my:lullaby. Letak link nanti they might sue me for invasion of privacy pulak. Haha. But yeah, one has a wicked style in humorous writing. The other one tu, I can't exactly figure out what is it about her blog that I like. Dia macam, ethereal-like but can also toss out the cold hard truth about what's happening around us in a perspective way.

I think dua-dua orang ni ade personaliti yang menarik.

This week is killing me. Figuratively speaking. Sebab lately ade je orang yang always take everything yang I cakap secara word for word. Haih...rolling my eyes. Literally.

Get to know Him in moments of ease. He will know you in moments of difficulty.

Yesterday was my birthday.

Allah has blessed me with another year to live. To make a difference. To improve.

Not to change. I won't say change. Change means becoming different in essence; losing one's or its original nature.

I knew I've always had a good life. But I think it was only last year that I realized I'm blessed (it's actually my current favourite word) with a good life. Along the way, I think I also realized 2 other things : One, I should not have to change myself. What I need to do is to improve myself. For the better. Two, in trying to improve I've to take baby steps. Wouldn't want my soul or bodily system to go into shock pulak kan? Haha. You need to take one pace at a time when you're ready to let something go and embrace something new.

Yesterday was indeed a good day. Had class from 12-3. I know, a drab right? On a Saturday pulak tu. But actually it was a blessing in disguise. After the class ended few of my classmates invited me for lunch which turned out to be a treat for the birthday girl. They even bought a cake. Baik kan diorang?? Only Allah can repay them for their kind deed. Then around 4, Claudia my old friend texted and we went for tea and an early dinner. Pun dia belanja jugak. Murah rezeki betul semalam..

The birthday wishes were the best of them all. Because wishes are like prayers. Ellina called, Sarah sent a semi-long wish all the way from UK, Amal tried calling but I was in class so she sent a very heart-felt birthday wish instead. And Ain, I baru dapat your text today. (Lambat la Ain. Ni yang sedih ni.. Haha). This is going to sound cheesy (or sappy, as Ain puts it) but I don't care. My bestfriends' love are one of the best gifts from Allah to me.

All sappiness aside, another person also made my day. Well, night actually. Yes that person was late but that person felt kind of guilty I almost felt sorry for that person. Haha. Still, dapat jugak another dose of endorphins kan?

And for all the well-wishers, whether it's through Facebook, texting or calling : Thank you so much for your kind words. Definitely made my day.

Michael Althsuler said, "The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot."

Now I don't know who Michael Althsuler is but I think he is one wise dude.

I want to do good things with the year 24. I want to become a compassionate Person, a kind Sister, a good Student, a loyal Friend and an amazing Bestfriend. But above all I want to be Allah's best and loving servant.

Macam susah kan?

But please pray for me that I can become all that.

Of doughnuts and a balloon.

I think I am addicted to Twitter.

Setiap satu minit kot...

And I am simply in love with all the quotes from https://twitter.com/IslamicThinking

Goodness grief.

Need to find something else to do.

On a happier note, last night somebody made my night.

A perfect ending for what seemed to be a really tiring and depressing Friday.

Depressing because I dented my Savvy.

That aside, did I mention somebody made my night?

Cool like tak boleh nak berhenti wear a ridiculously dopey smile.

(Ugh. I really have to bang my head on the wall.)

And verily, your Lord will give you (all i.e. good) so that you shall be well-pleased.

"Sometimes it's easier to smile even if you're hurting inside, than to explain to the whole world why you're sad." ~Anonymous~

I agree.

Plus, it's a whole lot easy to fake the tough exterior.

This could be a test. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Right?

And if the worst comes instead of the best?

My threshold of physical pain has always been comparatively higher than my emotional pain.

Maka?

Kena have faith la...

Allah never tests His servants with more than they can bear, right?

And there's always a hikmah for everything that happens to us.

As for now, I'm fine. That is what I always tell, and will continue to tell them.

Fake it till you make it.

On a completely different but somewhat related matter, yours truly stumbled across this one page the other day. Sangat suka. Especially this one particular bit that I'm re-posting down here :

The stronger the faith you have the more difficult the tests/trials you will face, but if you see the hidden blessings of the difficult trials then you have the potential to increase your wisdom, increase your faith and develop your personal character, so be happy when Allah SWT tests you with difficulties as he has given you an opportunity to get closer to him through the trials. Allah is the Most Wise.

Taken from http://islamicthinking.tumblr.com/

3 Sundays in a row.

Either it was just a random coincidence or that person is onto me.

If it's the latter, macam agak cool la that the person actually remembers about it.

See, when one is not thinking logically, one would spurt out nonsensical things like that.

Note to self : Sila jadi level headed balik. Like, STAT.

On the other hand, if it was just purely coincidental, then I've to say : I'm loving life's simplest pleasures.

Nak lagi next Sunday boleh? (Haha)

Solace.

I once read in a book that said all the verses in the Quran are like personal love letters from Allah to us. If you want to find solace and balm for the sore, the words will heal it straight away.

Then I found surah ash-Sharh / al-Inshirah.

It has become my favourite surah.

1. Have We not opened your breast for you (O Muhammad (Peace be upon him))?
2. And removed from you your burden,
3. Which weighed down your back?
4. And raised high your fame?
5. So verily, with the hardship, there is relief,
6. Verily, with the hardship, there is relief.
7. So when you have finished (from your occupation), then stand up for Allah's worship.
8. And to your Lord (Alone) turn (all your intentions and hopes and) your invocations.

I realized that in life, you will reach a point where you can no longer rely on your iPod's playlists to make the pain or sadness go away.

The verses of that surah are my solace.

**3 bulan macam tak lama kot. Besides, patience is a virtue, no? And good things always come to those who wait. Patiently. I just need to bear that in mind.**

And Lenka said, "...but I'm a sucker for his charm..."

Amal, this is for you.

Only because I tak buat a secret blog like you did am I doing this here. (LOL)

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iziezubi : eh, yeay finally dpt baju biru
iziezubi : mesti kacak mcm voldemort
iziezubi : eh sorry
iziezubi : cute
Farihna : lol
iziezubi : haha
Farihna : hahaha
Farihna : i'll try to be dark and brooding for u when u come around next
Farihna : unfortunately i can't do the tall part
iziezubi : tak bley sbb u tak tinggi
iziezubi : haha
Farihna : me vertically challenged
iziezubi : hear hear
iziezubi : lol
Farihna : but u do go for dark skinned guys eh
iziezubi : why do you say that?
Farihna : *bleep* and *bleep* are dark guys
Farihna : i don't know ur taste prior to these 2
iziezubi : eh ye? i pun tak tau
iziezubi : i like *bleep* sbb dia tall and mysteriously comel but ala2 pemalu
iziezubi : haha
iziezubi : yg *bleep* tu..well
iziezubi : ntah
iziezubi : kebetulan je kot
iziezubi : i tak letak type
iziezubi : physically i mean
iziezubi : well, with the exception of kalau dia tinggi dia dpt extra points la
iziezubi : haha
iziezubi : but usually i go for the "internal" attributes
Farihna : ok
Farihna : u go for his charms
iziezubi : aaa! yes...
iziezubi : pandai pun
iziezubi : sbb tu u awesome
Farihna : mmg pun
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iziezubi : and sunday got discussion
iziezubi : last sunday pun discussion gak
iziezubi : sunday morning some more
iziezubi : nasib baik sunday morning u dpt free endorphins
iziezubi : *tu
iziezubi : lol
Farihna : hahaha
Farihna : tulah i was like... masa bile sunday i dapat endorphins
Farihna : hehe
Farihna : u taw u je yg dapat endorphins
iziezubi : lol. but the ironic thing abt the whole situation is
iziezubi : dia comment pasal my endorphins
Farihna : i baru je nak tanya u
iziezubi : but i rasa dia tak tau dia yg bg i endorphins
Farihna : dia x taw ke yg dia endorphin u?
iziezubi : so mcm kelakar la
iziezubi : tapi tak bgtau dia la
iziezubi : nope. tak rasa dia tau
iziezubi : cool in a twisted way kan
iziezubi : haha
Farihna : agaklah
Farihna : hehehe
Farihna : u and ur endorphin shots
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That's about it Amal. Hope you find it entertaining. Haha.

I am a glutton for punishment...

I laugh about it.

I even make a joke out of it.
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But it does not mean I'm not hurt by it.

Dah cakap dah jangan cari pasal.

Distracted... And likewise attracted.

"..... i am kicking all the others out except u..i am dragging u in ....."


I left my "level-headed and practical" mojo at the door on the way in.

Have to get it back.

Kalau tak.....

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I'm screwed.

Precisely at 10:31:15 pm

I don't think I'm special.

When I'm sad, I know there are other people out there that are going through worse things.

My friend once told me, "In the grand scheme of things, hal kteorang ni kira picisan je."

So yeah, the one thing that always make me sad ni kira a speck of dust je la kalau nak compare dengan other bigger things. War, Egypt crisis, the flood that devastated the people in Johor Bharu.

But I guess, being human...well, sometimes there's a point where you think you can't control it anymore. Macam nak break down je. Sekejap pun jadi la. Lepas tu put on balik your tough exterior.

I was sad tonight. And I asked Him to take the sadness away.

He answered it right away.

Terkedu sekejap. In awe? Terkejut?

I can't think of a better word.

Rasa macam diri ni kecik.

He loves me. Macam Allah sayang hamba-hamba Dia yang lain. (Amal, 2011)

I've a long way to go.

When you don't even know where to begin.

The change is hard.

And they're not helping.

I need someone to believe in me. Someone who thinks I can be better than the person I am now.

I need someone to show me the way.

Because I don't know how to.

Have been contemplating lately.

Nak shut down the social account. And this too.

Tapi masih ragu-ragu. 50-50? 60-40? 70-30?

I was suggested to "privatise" it. This.

Tengokla macam mana...

He said, "Don't give up on me baby."

I listened to this song for the first time petang tadi and entah kenapa tangan ni sampai sekarang tak boleh nak berhenti tekan butang replay.

Over and over and over again. Still.

He's telling a story from the first verse to the last.

I love it.

When the child wants to be an adult.

And when the adult wants to be a child again.

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*

*

The big sister says to the baby sister, “ Fine, Along akan ajar Ina drive kereta if Ina temankan Along main buaian malam karang.”

Fair trade no?

She better not wreck my car.




From the window of our bedroom we can see the playground. Yeah, it's that close from our bedroom. Boleh je panjat keluar tingkap kalau nak pergi playground tu.

Very tempting for someone who loves the swing.

Too bad we can only have a go at the swing set at night. Bila kanak-kanak lain dah tidur.

I want to be a child again and not have to worry about an adult’s responsibility.

And I can't seem to understand what is my sister's rush of wanting to grow up and be an adult.

And something stirred within me.

I love Enid Blyton because she taught me the importance of saying Please and Thank You.

I like J.K Rowling because no other author could cause such curiosity in me that I absolutely have to turn to the following page to see what happens next.

I like Mitch Albom because what he writes, as simple as his sentences are, carries so much emotion in them that I couldn't help but feel the magnitude of the emotion too.

I love Hlovate because of his/her music references and for creating the character Ked Faisal.

Now, I think I'm in love with Jonathan Safran Foer. I have never read any of his books but reading the quotes, I've never felt this moved before. Each sentence struck a chord. My chord. It's like he gets it.

"Being with him made my brain quiet. I didn't have to invent a thing."

(Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

"I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others--the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad.

( Everything Is illuminated)

And the holy grail of them all :

"I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else."

And the kicker : He's taken.

I didn't sleep the whole night last night. Being a postgraduate student, my classes start at 6pm and usually end at 9pm. So waktu tidur, makan and everything else pun jadi tunggang langgang la sebab I'd get home around 9.30-10 pm, have dinner (when actually one should have dinner at 8 pm), channel surf and bila mood dah sampai baru la I would open up my lecture notes to study until the wee hours of the morning.

So yeah, I would go to bed after Subuh and get up at... well, you can figure that out yourself. Anyway, this morning after Subuh prayer, I still was wide awake. So I decided to channel surf until I get sleepy. The usual routine. Tekan 101, 102, 103 --- 701, 702, 703 (no good cooking show was on) --- and patah balik to 101, 102, 103. Like the show would change from the last 30 seconds I tuned in but hey, it's a force of habit (which my mom finds very much annoying when she joins me in front of the telly).

Kept channel surfing until I reached Channel 106, Astro Oasis. 'Soal Asyraf' was on. I know this show from the commercials I've seen on TV but tak pernah sekali pun tengok cerita ni. A big loss, I now only realized.

Sebab the host, ustaz dia... holy crap memang buat orang coughs*tertarik*coughs. He smiled throughout the entire show, spoke with a distinct hint of loghat utara and when he recited a verse from the Quran, memang cair respect la... Goodbye James Morrison's sexy voice. Hello Assalamualaikum Ustaz.

Wajib la Google kan? Apparently he was the winner of the first Imam Muda. And he's from Penang. (You do know loghat Penang is a weakness to me kan?) And he's super smart. A UM graduate and he won a scholarship to purse his postgraduate studies in Al-Madinah International University as part of the prize of winning the Imam Muda title.

Patutla my roommate Teha suruh parents dia cari calon suami dari siri Imam Muda tu.

Guys like that, I think normal girls like me can only "berangan" je because their knowledge in Islam are far superior than mine. The way they recite the verses of Quran alone would put me to shame.

Both wives of the 1st and 2nd winner of the show my God memang lawa. Good women are for good men and vice versa, no?

Random : I might be following season 2 of Imam Muda. And my mom would think I've completely lost it.

The feminist tagline : Woman and PROUD of it

I'm a mild feminist. Mild, because I know there's more than just standing up for your own self to be a true feminist. Still learning though..

I like to do what the guys told me I can't do. They say you can't "belajar tinggi sebab nanti end up dekat dapur jugak". But I am. Master's degree in UM and am loving the fact that I'm as intellectually challenged as the next guy.

They say you can't do hard-core physical activity because you're weak. But I did. Conquered Mount Ledang (all 1276 metres of it), which I must point out is three times higher than Bukit Tabur.

They say you should have a big, tough boyfriend who can oh-so "protect" you from the "big-bad-wolves" of the world, the one that will shield you from those people making chicken and ham sandwiches in the KTM coach, the one that will help you carry your handbag because it is too "heavy" for you to carry it on your own, the one who will decide for you what and how to wear your tudung because using your mind to have your own opinion could result in permanent brain damage.

But I don't. And I know I'm doing okay so far.

(And yes, I actually have a friend who went into panic attack because she was caught red handed not wearing her tudung the way her douche boyfriend wanted her to wear it. And my former roommate, who is such a great person, had to literally hide her test paper from her loser of a now-ex-boyfriend because he can't handle the fact that she's smarter than him. This guy actually told her not to study or ace the exam.)

I look up to successful women. My mom, because she is one amazing, successful cook. I like the fact that as much as I look like my mom, I take on more of my dad's traits but her cooking skill is the one thing I have always been envious of. I'm not exaggerating and I'm not saying this because she's my mom. Ask any of my friends, ask any of my uncle or aunt, ask anybody who has ever been to our home and had something to eat. They would attest to this and I don't even have to bribe them. Everything that comes out from her kitchen is pure gold.

She also taught me not to be weak. One time when I had a momentary fling (nothing serious) with a guy and things didn't work out, I found myself crying (I was young and naive then). When my mom found out, she gave me a time limit to cry ("Sampai pukul 6.30 je") and after the time limit she said I can not cry anymore. So I cried till 6.30 and she took me out to Subang Parade after that. Really, I'm not even joking. How cool is that right?

I also look up to Saidatina Aisyah Abu Bakar, wife of Prophet Muhammad s.a.w who was known for her intelligence. Others include Dzireena Mahadzir (local columnist for The Star), Madeleine Wickham (successful author of the Shopaholic series), and Prof Dr Siti Salwah Salim (my lecturer who made me realized that one of my goals in life is to do a PhD before the age of 35).

But there is one who's not on the list : Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Her awards speak for her success and she is a feminist activist but Ayaan Hirsi Ali is far from a solid role model for Muslim women. This is a woman who realized she lost her faith over a glass of wine and actually challenged students of an Islamic primary school in a debate of Quran and Dutch constitutions. Why she didn't challenge adult Muslim women is beyond me. And her critical views towards Islam astonish me deeply. She justifies her actions as practising the freedom of speech but realized only later after being sued that she "should have chosen her words more carefully". It's kind of funny to me. She's a smart woman but it took her one long court proceeding to figure out that she should have been more sensitive.

I'm not sure if her book is available here in Malaysia. It is very controversial, that much I can tell just by googling it. However I have to agree with the review made by The Economist :

".... much as she tries, the kind of problems that Ms Hirsi Ali describes in Infidel are all too human to be blamed entirely on Islam. Her book shows that her life, like those of other Muslims, is more complex than many people in the West may have realised. But the West's tendency to seek simplistic explanations is a weakness that Ms Hirsi Ali also shows she has been happy to exploit." (The Economist, 2007)

We're in the rain still searching for the sun

The song is simple. Direct. If I was listening to it on the radio I'd go, "Bolehla tahan..."

But because I watched the video first on TV I found myself thinking it is actually pretty good. Nothing lame and eye-rolling-worthy like I would usually do every time I hear the name "Jonas".

If you're a Jo Bros fan, I mean no offence. I just think The Moffatts did everything better than them.

I'm loving the video. It's genuinely honest. Partly because Joe isn't in it. Hah!

The part where Nick held the "Diabetic" card and the soldier held the "Mother" card are my favourite.

I am : Gray. Not black or white.